[Update:  I wrote this before invite was rescinded, but thought it would be fun to keep complaining!]

LINCOLN, NE – The University of Nebraska has extended its warmest welcome to distinguished education professor William Ayers to speak at the College of Education.  College Dean Marjorie Kostelnik found universal support for Mr. Ayers among the College faculty, stating “they all think Bill’s a righteous dude!”  Dean Kostelnik expressed her surprise at criticisms leveled at the invitation of Mr. Ayers, stating “I don’t understand it, Bill’s credentials as an America-hater are simply unassailable.  He’s shown no disturbing tendencies towards supporting traditional American values and he is therefore a valuable addition to the academic community.”

Addressing Mr. Ayers past activities as a domestic terrorist, Ms. Kostelnik stated “we’re not interested in having him speak about his past or any of those things,” she said.  “We are interested in his research … particularly in the areas of fuse making, the handling of combustibles, and the smuggling of fissile materials across state lines.”

Ms. Kostelnik stated that the University will be accepting donations of American flags for Mr. Ayers’ speech.  “We would like to have some flags around for Bill to stand on during his speech and perhaps, if we’re lucky, for him to urinate on!” Kostelnik remarked.   Ms. Kostelnik emphasized that flag donations are needed, however, because no American flags could be located on the campus.

When asked about the University of Nebraska’s controversial invitation to Nazi war criminal Dr. Josef Mengele, Kostelnik stated, “we do not condone the detestable acts Dr. Mengele committed 60 years ago when I was just two years old, but since then Dr. Mengele has carved out a different life in Argentina and it is that life that is of interest to us.”